This is for you, the love of my life.

For the past year, I've become the other woman. I've never been T.O.W before and I have to admit, the feeling really hurts.

If this is due to love,
I don't want to love anymore.
If this never dying trust is due to love,
I don't want to love anymore.

I have given you so much, because I loved you. You might think that I don't deserve you, because of the way I failed to cherish you in the past, hence your treatment. You play hot and cold, you message me when you are bored but you ignore me when you're with her. You message me 5 days a week when you're in camp but over the weekends, you play games with my mind and heart. You're never there.

I'm typing this with a heavy heart because I'm feeling quite tired, and I don't really know what to do. What is there left to do, actually? You have proven to me your inadequacy and indecisiveness over and over again. It really irritates me to know that you're returning to me for what I can be and offer, not who I am. I've been so stupid, I'm been blinded by your lies. I've been offering my love and unhesitatingly satisfying your wants.

Why are you treating me this way? That's all I want to know. If this is revenge, you're doing a bloody good job. But is this you? Is the Marcus I used to know like this? It's quite sad really, that you've become a stranger to me. Is this what Army life has done to you? I don't know if Joy is luckier or me, because the guy I once called my boyfriend is a much better man than the guy she is dating now.

I've been protecting your identity despite my pain because I loved you, and I believed you. Now it's just really pointless, and by typing your name here, I have shown that I really don't care if I were to ruin you anymore. You never cared about the nights I had to cry alone, especially always after giving so much, you leave without a second glance.

I look at your pictures with a certain numbness. My hands turn cold and I feel this dread. Am I jealous? Maybe. But the feeling of nausea overwhelms all. You often find your way back into my life, especially after I've tried to build a wall around and pick myself up again. You end up shattering my defences and then turning to leave, before coming back again after realizing that I've enough in me to build the wall again. This vicious cycle repeats, until I reach this breaking point.

Which is now. You disappoint me so much. So much, that words cannot describe the degree of it.

You might argue, that you never said a word in the past while waiting for me, but if you want to compare the degree of hurt we've both felt, yours can't compare to mine. If you had spoken up like how I've done so many times this year, I would've returned to you. I don't understand why girls have more fucking guts than guys. I would've broken up with my partner for you if you had opened your mouth. But you never did.

You'll only resort to breaking up if there are unresolvable differences, not for someone else. Then why the fuck did you do this to me time and time again? I've told you to make up your mind countless times. It's either solely her or me. I gave you time, I gave you chances, but you wanted both. I didn't point a knife at your throat and coerce you to choose me. I asked you to stay with her, just fucking leave me alone but you kept coming back. You kept stringing me along when your relationship with her was near perfect. You're practically emotionally dependent on her and it sickens me. I'll never forget the night you confided in me about your insecurities, for that's too the night I found how little I meant to you. How fucking little. She was your World, and I was the girl you'd ask to move in with,with no commitment.

Look, I'm growing older, and I'm not going to tolerate this shit from you. I don't need someone who'll just string me along when he wants physical satisfaction and dump me to one side when he's feeling all guilty. It's been 2 long years. Even till now I'm still contemplating the possibility of us getting back together. But I realized, by typing this entry tonight, I have ruined all chances but I'm okay with that. If you had stopped the mind games long ago, everything would've been okay. But you didn't. I've had enough of you, and don't come back to me anymore, even after she's gone. I've resisted doing this for a long time because I couldn't bear the thought of hurting her and ruining the chances of us. But honestly, you don't deserve either of us.

If I have to break her heart, I'd rather now. & I'm sure this entry would do a damn good job.

I still remember this sentence from your letter:

If I were to look for you if she ever leaves me, believe me, you're not second choice.

For someone who's quite intellectually capable, you sure write incoherent things.

So boy, once again
won't you cry me a river?

I'm sorry.

It's actually a little difficult, to set this blog aside for a newer one. thenextblgthing has, over the years, become a really good friend of mine, somehow. I'm getting all sentimental again but really, all the memories stashed inside the archives, I wouldn't trade them for anything. I won't delete this blog, because I still do cherish those memories and I'll probably look at them whenever I do have the time. I hopped over to wordpress because I'm able to password protect my entries there , so I can select my readers for some more private entries.

makingamemory.wordpress.com

Goodbye my friend, but this is not forever.

why sun why

Failed attempt at tanning today because I'm like a curse. As soon as I changed into my bikini, the sun got blocked by dark heavy clouds. I guess I must've been hit by the study bug (better than being hit by my super scary rj tutor for not reading my chem notes) cause I actually took my chem tys out and attempted to make sense out of some organic chem qns on the tanning chair. Attracted the attention of the guy next to me because I think it's just kuku for someone to be doing tys at the pool, while tanning. Started chatting and I found out tt he's quite a tanning addict too ;D Total madness, I like. Left for Chong Pang ltr in the afternoon due to the heavy downpour which concluded our tanning session and I had black guttinous rice dessert while he sipped on soya bean milk.

He's super smart okay, triple As for the A levels last yr.
Stress sial.

No fair.

Had fun listening to Spencer read this poem by ee cummings during lit today.



may i feel said he

   may i feel said he
  (i'll squeal said she
  just once said he)
  it's fun said she


  (may i touch said he
  how much said she
  a lot said he)
  why not said she


  (let's go said he
  not too far said she
  what's too far said he
  where you are said she)


  may i stay said he
  (which way said she
  like this said he
  if you kiss said she


  may i move said he
  is it love said she)
  if you're willing said he
  (but you're killing said she


  but it's life said he
  but your wife said she
  now said he)
  ow said she


  (tiptop said he
  don't stop said she
  oh no said he)
  go slow said she


  (cccome?said he
  ummm said she)
  you're divine!said he
  (you are Mine said she)

Every woman deserves to be loved

Exclusively.


*


& so like ZX commented on my tagboard, I somewhat passed 2 of my 3 H2s. Alright I got a subpass for my maths but well I shan't comment too much on that although it was a very pleasant surprise.

I really don't like to fail, but somehow I don't like all the attention too. It feels damn awkward, with all the "So smart ah Amy" etc. Of course I won't get complacent or anything but it's like. Somehow it feels terrible too you know? Like when people ask me for my grades and I don't really want to say it cause it'll make them kinda, I don't know, unhappy? It's not like my grades are fantastic, don't be mistaken but you catch my drift? Like somehow I wish all my friends could do well too, so we'll be on par. & I don't really like how some people treat me doing my homework as something really shocking, like drama drama Amy actually did her work shock tremble and die kinda shock? I feel so belittled. Like what the bloody fuck?

Anyway.

I feel somewhat motivated but yet I'm too tied down by fatigue. I can't move at the pace I'd like to and I can't seem to shake off this peculiar feeling that's been making me feel all bummed out.

2 days ago I finally caved in to reality and cried on the phone to Kaiyi and then had a long chat with Janis till about 2:30am. At first I just felt really terrible, then it led to frustration and finally tears.
I've never been treated like this before and I really don't deserve it.
I don't deserve to be treated like a secret.

Your girlfriend's not all that pretty anyway, she's just another typical skinny singaporean girl.

*

Ate some fish cracker thingy and japanese balls at the pasam malam located outside Causeway Pnt with Jo after a short study session in the Library. Borrowed magazines and mhmm are they heavenly :)

Dinner on Friday at the Bloodbank. Gonna drink bloodpunch and have blood plasmas for dinner.
lol okay that's sick.